HAPPY HOLIDAYS

HAPPY HOLIDAYS 

I am writing to wish one and all "Happy Holidays" for 2007. 

This will annoy the right wing to some immeasurable degree. Anyone who wishes "Happy Holidays" is apparently part of some grand scheme to subvert Christmas. This class of happy holiday wishers is either run by, or at the very least includes in large numbers, the following -- secularists, atheists, agnostics, the lapsed of any faith, and -- of course -- liberals. The appointed protectors of Christmas have a number of spokesmen and women, but chief among them appear to be Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. Every year at about this time, the protectors can be counted on to man the barricades and warn of the latest assault on Christmas perpetrated under the banner of "Happy Holidays. " 

I always thought people wished each other "Happy Holidays" more or less to save words. It appears to me that the season is an incredibly busy and stressful one, with all the shopping, parties (planned and attended), decorating, cooking, etc. For those with young children, there are also the lists for Santa Claus and all the assuaging that has to be done as the kids wonder whether they have been naughty or nice; this sometimes extends to adults, who have a penchant for naughtiness. Invitations create a whole other source of potential stress -- who to invite to the party or the holiday (sorry, I meant "Christmas") dinner, who to exclude, how to explain you really didn't really mean to exclude the folks you really meant to exclude, etc. While all this is happening, the days are getting progressively shorter (and used to be getting progressively colder too), so the month is especially acute for the seasonally affected. Thus, I thought, what the hell (no doubt the beginning of my problem), if you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" every time you greet people this time of year, the savings of four words per greeting starts to add up -- more breath as you run for the train or explain to the airline that your kid was supposed to be on that flight. 

But Sean and Rush and Ann will have none of this. My effort at efficiency is nothing but a well orchestrated attack on Christmas. I have perverted a sacred day, turned it into some sort of secular celebration of the winter solstice. With all of this "Happy Holiday" gibberish, I am giving Hanukkah and Kwanzaa equal billing, equating a high holy day with supposedly low ones, turning the sacred into the profane as I swim in a sort of unholy existential soup of my own making. (For some reason, I am also accused of taking the "Christ" out of "Christmas", but I find this charge a bit strange because I am never accused at the same time of taking the "Happy" out of "New Year", and I wonder if they are missing the full extent of my otherwise pernicious conduct.) 

I am now very nervous about this whole "Happy Holidays" thing. I am already on the outs with the higher ups in my religion -- the Pope, the Cardinals and the Bishops. This is because I do not believe that embryos are people, or that girls should only be nuns, or that Sunday Mass should be mandatory (either for me or some of the priests who say it), or that Cardinal Law is necessarily entitled to diplomatic immunity. I am also already on the outs with the Seans and Rushes and Ann C's. This is because I do not believe that all Republicans have good judgment, or that girls should not get equal pay, or that the Constitution is irrelevant, or that it doesn't matter that Gore got more votes in Florida in 2000. But now, in addition to all these transgressions, I have joined the list of apparently irreligious Happy Holidayers. 

I am a lawyer and this predicament requires a plea. So here it is -- Guilty . . .

With An Explanation. 

Actually, a few of them. 

First, I agree that the word saving thing is a bit of a stretch. But it is not off the charts. My children and their friends have invented a whole new form of communication where abbreviation is the norm. (R u showing 4 the pty. LOL.) At least "Happy Holidays" is intelligible, in English, and uses two words actually found in the dictionary. Rush and Sean and Ann maybe should thank me for not succumbing. I bet the abbreviators are going to start saying "Merry Xmas"; maybe they already have. How will Rush and Co. feel about that? Not good, I bet, with the abbreviators putting the "X" back in . . . well, you get the problem. I say, "Rush, Ann, Sean, maybe we are on the same side on this one." 

But we're not. 

Because I noticed that they really don't mean what they say. 

And this is the second explanation. 

I do not think the "Merry Christmas" protectors really want to protect "Merry Christmas." If they did, Jose Feliciano would be one of their patron saints. Jose is the singer and songwriter who gave us "Feliz Navidad," which is Spanish for "Merry Christmas." But I never see him on Hannity and Colmes, being grilled by Alan and fed softballs by Sean. And I bet he hasn't been mentioned in one of Ann's books or speeches (which, given the fact that he is blind, might have taken the edge off her gay bashing, or at least given MSNBC a reason to keep her on the air), or made an appearance with Rush (physically challenged in his own right, as we know, which explained all those prescription painkillers). What's up with that, I ask. Is "Merry Christmas" only sacred when it comes out in English? I guess so. Cause no one's ever accused me of taking Christ out of Feliz Navidad. 

This, unfortunately, creates enormous problems for the Merry Christmas maniacs. The Savior came to save the whole world, as we Christians believe, and English wasn't even around when he arrived. The Pope speaks German, or Italian (and sometimes Latin) when he is on the job. Jesus spoke Aramaic and St. Paul spoke Greek, so whatever they would have said to celebrate Himself's birthday, it wasn't "Merry Christmas." It wasn't even "Feliz Navidad." Oh, I know, it wasn't "Happy Holidays" either. But that just gets me to explanation # 4 or 3 (depending on how you are counting). 

Which is this -- if we are respecting original intent here, "Happy Holidays" has the better claim. Unfortunately for the protectors, historically speaking, the churches actually stole the "secular" celebration of the winter solstice; it wasn't the other way around. The First Christmas, which is afterall what we are celebrating, did not actually take place in December. The prelates put it there, and then seized the seasonal solstice festival that occurred at that time and made it their own. It was sort of a religious preemptive strike, and of course an act of marketing genius. The whole point of the winter solstice celebration is that we really need something to celebrate at exactly this time of year . . . and not just because Aunt Gertrude is off the Christmas list. Life for those pagan warriors was hard, and cold, and you couldn't sack Rome in the winter anyway. Life for us is hard too, and the Democrats apparently can't sack Bush in the winter either. So we celebrate the solstice. But call it Christmas. 

None of this, of course, really matters. The commercial interests took "Christ" out of Christmas long before the much hated secularists ever got Hallmark to craft a line of Happy Holiday cards. The protectors do not complain about this, mostly because those interests are also their sponsors. The politicians say they have not taken "Christ"out of Christmas, and they are very careful about when, where and to whom they utter "Happy Holidays" (lest they lose the talk radio base or show up in Rush's sites). But the Iowa caucuses occur on January 3, and the two day "no call to voters" rule in force on December 24 and 25 looks more like a Flanders Field cease fire in World War I than it does a celebration of those who believe God was made Man. 

What we are really forgetting about Christmas is not the greeting, it's the message. Jesus preached peace, love, generosity, and forgiveness; not war, hatred, the individual accumulation of wealth and the ability to hold a grudge. He wouldn't recognize the Christmas celebrated by Sean, Ann, Rush and the bevy of protectors screaming about sacrilege, nor the one celebrated by most of the rest of us either. He wouldn't be all that jazzed about the gifts, or the self-induced stress, or the baited breadth of prognosticators wondering whether retail will be up or down this season. He wouldn't be thinking about Presidential candidates or listening to talk shows. And He wouldn't care about whether seasonal greetings were correct or incorrect, politically or otherwise. 

We shouldn't either. 

But we do. 

So "Happy Holidays." 

Maybe some day we'll be worthy enough to say "Merry Christmas." 

But we're not there yet.